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On Sarah Palin and David Letterman

WARNING! ADULT LANGUAGE CONTAINED WITHIN! DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, SO DONT COMMENT ON MY USAGE OF LANGUAGE. THAT IS ALL. CONTINUE.

I consider myself a student of comedy, as well as a lover of politics. Since high school, my heroes have been Andy Kaufman and George Carlin. I’ve listened to every Carlin recording countless times, and seen every clip I can find of Kaufman. What I’m about to write is part comic commentary on current events, written in my acidic, abraisive style; and part tirade about comedians places in culture, and where they do and don’t belong.

Before I say anything else, be aware this is going be biased as all get out, and I’m not holding back with my usage of expressive terms. I will probably offend many if not all of you.

I loathe and despise Sarah Palin with every fiber of my being. Not because I disagree with her politically, because I admire a lot of conservatives (John McCain of 2000, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlie Crist). I despise her because I think she’s a completely uneducated fucking lunatic who cares about nothing more than getting good publicity, and that she and her brand of politics are bad for America and the world (more on that later). So I wasn’t surprised at all to hear her recent tirade against David Letterman for a joke he made.

The joke was as follows:

“Sarah Palin went to a Yankee’s game yesterday. There was one awkward moment during the 7th inning stretch: her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”

The audience laughed. A lot. Know why??? BECAUSE THE JOKE IS FUCKING FUNNY!!! Bristol Palin, single mother and poster child for abstinence only education, is OBVIOUSLY the subject of this joke. Which is why the audience laughed.

Well, I’m sure when Sarah Palin saw this she thought “wait a minute, my 14 year old angel was with me that day, not that dumb liability of a child I so kindly named after a NASCAR track. This is a great moment to put lots (and lots and lots) of makeup on and get my face out there!” And then it began… she starts accusing David Letterman, a 62 year old comic legend, of making rape jokes about her 14 year old. A couple of quotes from this stupid, stupid bitch:

“I would like to see him apologize to young women across the country for contributing to kind of that thread that is throughout our culture that makes it sound like it is OK to talk about young girls in that way, where it’s kind of OK, accepted and funny to talk about statutory rape,” she said. “It’s not cool. It’s not funny.”

First off, go back to elementary school and learn to form simple sentences like a big girl. And second of all, he wasn’t talking about statutory rape, you ignorant twat. He was talking about your perfectly legal whore of a daughter. You know, the one who said after her baby was born that abstinence “isn’t realistic” only to follow it up by touting around and saying “it’s the only way to go, kids!” 18 years old, and she’s already nearly as much of a hypocritical slag as her mother. But at least she’s hot. And anyone who thinks Sarah Palin is hot is about as retarded as that thing that escaped her womb a year ago. I call it a thing because it can’t be a child if she named it Trig. Even hitler wasn’t that cruel.

Letterman apologized for being in bad taste, because he had to (I’ve linked his apology and commentary at the bottom of this article). That’s what happens when you work for a big corporation, if you piss off the wrong people, you have to apologize or face the consequences (isn’t that right Don Imus?). I won’t be apologizing for any of what I’m saying now being in bad taste because I’m well aware that what I’m saying is despicable, and I don’t have to answer to anyone. When all is said and done, this is really just me being a silly goose. In his apology he stated that he’d love to have her on the show to sort it all out. The way she had her publicist respond is what really made me wish that she would’ve sat on a dirty needle at that Yankee’s game:

“The Palin’s have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show. Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman.”

Palin also criticized Letterman for making a “lame excuse” and that it took too long.

No words can express how much of a hypocrite this woman is, although “ferociously stupid cunt” fits her just as well as her hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of taxpayer funded designer clothing. Let’s get this straight: jokes about raping a 14 year old girl (although that’s NOT what the joke was) are completely off limits. To insinuate that David Letterman, 62 year old father who’s son is under 10, would rape your 14 year old daughter: witty comeback. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is a bigger double standard than this (minus being a gay republican… something I still believe to be a myth). Matt Lauer, America’s greatest journalistic asset, called her out on this. Her response is about as mindblowing as her unintelligible statements to Katie Couric this past fall:

Lauer: I’d like you to explain what that meant. Are you suggesting that David Letterman can’t be trusted around a 14-year old girl?

Palin: Hey, take it however you want to take it…

Lauer: But is that not, in fact, in bad taste also governor if you’re…if you’re suggesting that a 62-year old man can’t be trusted…

Palin: It’s not in bad taste. It’s not in bad taste.

(pause)

Palin: Hey, maybe he couldn’t be trusted because Willow’s has had enough of this type of comments. Maybe Willow would want to…uh….uh…uh..react to him in a way that..uh…would catch him off guard. That’s one way to interpret such a comment.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You attack Letterman for his “lame excuse” then give us THAT?! I swear this woman’s brain is made of moose turds. Even if we are supposed to be retarded enough to believe that the comment was saying that Letterman wouldn’t be safe around your 14 year old daughter, who I’m sure is a real gem, the fact that you’re implying you’d LET HER GO AT HIM gives us a great example of your fantastic parenting skills. Add that to the selfishness of having a baby so late in your life that it’s practically guaranteed to come out mongoloid and your inability to illustrate to your other daughter how to put a condom on a banana and you’ve got parenting skills right up there with Andrea Yates and the Octomom.

However, there is a much larger issue at hand than the fact that Sarah Palin is as articulate as Terry Schiavo in her last days. The reason this moron plagues us is the fault of two groups: the lazy media and “you people.”

First off: the lazy media. This is my new-coined term that I hope will replace the terms “liberal media” or “rightwing media.” The problem with news today is not that the media leans one way or the other, but in the fact that they report stories like Sarah Palin feuding with A FUCKING COMEDIAN. A comedians place in culture is to comment on current events and make people laugh at them; not to become the centerpiece. I guarantee you that David Letterman had no intention of making the headlines when he made a meanspirited but hilarious joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter. But Sarah Palin knew that the media is hungry for a controversy. They get ratings by reporting stupid bullshit like this instead of material of substance; meanwhile we’re still at war in Iraq, our economy is about as shitty as a 95 year old mans Depends, and people are having to sell their kidneys in order to pay for a kidney transplant. The only people that do a good job of pointing out how ridiculously lazy our media is, ironically enough, are satirists like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. There’s a stark difference between comedians and satirists. Comedians make light of current events, satirists bring awareness to them. There has not been a better example of courageous satire than Stephen Colbert’s recent broadcast from Iraq, where he went with the USO to entertain the troops and bring awareness back to the fact that, despite not seeing much about it on tv, they’re still over there dying. If you haven’t seen it, go to colbertnation.com and watch it. Now. But I digress. Enough about the lazy media. Blame lies equally on people who support this crap. And I mean you.

If the media were to do it’s job and focus on actual news instead of crap like this, or the fact that Jon and Kate are having marriage problems after 8 children (who’d have seen that coming?), news ratings would plummet. But thanks to gossip loving, short attention span Americans, this bullshit rules our cable news channels. And you know who you are, people. You’re the ones who go around saying you have A.D.D. although you’ve never seen a doctor about it, much less been diagnosed. You don’t have A.D.D. You’re just too damned lazy to give a shit. You’d rather be told what to think by some talking head, whether it be Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Rachel Maddow, Keith Olberman, Lou Dobbs, etc. You know what all of these people have in common? They’re full of shit, and are contributing to the dumbing down of American society. They do nothing but polarize politics, and make it where instead of having a decent conversation about policy differences, the only way to get noticed is to say something controversial or demeaning about those who disagree with you. These are the same people who tried to make a political figure out of Miss California. GIVE ME A FUCKIN’ BREAK ALREADY! I hate to say it, people, but this is your fault; and I don’t just mean those numbskulls who have been duped into thinking that Sarah Palin is worthy of any acclaim at all. I mean all of you. Your inattention to real, legitimate policy has led to Sarah Palin being a national political figure who never mentions policy, while the media sits back and plays into her hands. Until you start paying attention and demanding real journalists do their real jobs, we get to deal with this. Journalism and news should be tedious. It should be facts, not speculation about whether or not a joke was appropriate. But as long as we have morons like Sarah Palin around to talk about lipstick on pitbulls and let that pass as politics, and media figures jump at the latest controversy to gain the interest of a general public who’d rather watch celebrities trapped on an island, well, all I can say is… we’re fucked.